My Saturday

Self inflicted misery

My times come again 

To wallow alone and shivering

This frustration, my sobriety 

Pregnant with serious animosity

How can I be s successful

When I hate myself and

The behavior I must become

whatever, let's do this!! 

But literally the hate is real

Im going to do something I cannot stand

And hopefully the ketomine treatments will help

It's my only hope

It's all I got

I should pray to get over my indifference towards faith

It's the other hope that I'm supposed to take

So I'm gonna have to do something to move forward with it

Make a note to do it

Do it and track the results

Im hoping it'll be easier than I'm making it

But yeah me writing this is helpful

So I hope I can make it more firm with this action

Bitcoin Misery

Well I've been in a rollercoaster ride lately, with trying to stay clean, yet comfortable by buying Xanax online. 

Well, I got scammed!! I went to someone advertising that they sold pills on Quora. It looked really good to me. It seemed very legit, although there was no real way to secure that he would be honorable in his dealings.

He had me buy the pills using Bitcoin, which I thought was clever for us both in not leaving a money trail or whatever. Or was about a hundred dollars for ten 4mg Xanax pills.

Next, after I thought all was said and done, I get a very shitty looking unprofessional email, saying there's a deposit that needs to be made to the delivery company of a hundred dollars. I paid it because they says it would be refunded and I was still thinking this is working out.

Then he complains that he needs fifty more dollars because Bitcoin prices rose. I paid it and

that's when I said I didn't have anymore money for this deal. 

Crazily enough, I get another email, unprofessional looking, saying that I have to pay another 1500.$ deposit for my delivery!! 

That's when I told him that I know he's scamming me and that he's behind the parcel delivery messages I'm getting. 

Unfazed, he says he would pay 1k of the latest deposit. I said no, you are a SCAMMER!!

Well hopefully this will help people in the future, to know that this guy is a SCAMMER, and to stay away from him. Im not jaded too much about what happened. I knew the risks and now I know not to go to this guy for pills. 

This happens sometimes when you choose to deal in the shade. Shady characters come out to play and then you're just completely screwed. 

NLM 

Enthusiasm

I'm walking on broken glass

And now I feel alive

Shit show I'm thriving

Never ask me why

Bravery in my heartbeat

I'm looking at my lies

All along I'm dying

Dying spiritually inside

But I can't help the dancing

Upon the ashes of this unholy fire

Burning me up and consuming 

Stinging flavor of time 

Psychedelic translator 

I'm peering out inside

Couldn't be content

Unless I'm destroying 

My terrible insides

Shit show I'm thriving

Never ask me why

All alone in my seance

Never wanting to die

Then the dawn comes and

Sober misery clings

drowning my soul outside

Oh yeah.. 

Can't stand the heat of day

I'm terrified.. 

NLM

CAUTION: STRONG LANGUAGE AHEAD

 

A Modern Day Vision To Share 

reamsincticity

This morning I woke up from a terrify nightmare, fighting off defined feelings of my mortalities-end, racing through me, as I was tried to catch my breath. Heart racing, I acknowledged my uncomely sweat, that surfaced over the whole of my body. 

What happened? Why was I reacting so violently and with a stiff enumerative process taking over? 

 My urgent, personal and silent thoughts, tumbling through me. Pulling away from my present moment, and staying still at the same time, while I was mindfully exploring my nightmare as best I could, before the intoxicating, sleepiness flees. Unable to catch my own breath feeling intense emotion spread, and then, like stars, the thoughts dimmed downed, then die away, the more awake I became. Just.. thoughtfully recanting the sophistry-like-atmosphere, from which, I had just plummeted from, finding a more stable reasoning for such an uproar.. only later.

The emotions thogh, were of needing to compete to be alive!!?? I wasn't taking a stroll, rather, I found myself refining the acute emotion of having to FIGHT for my existence or immortality? A slim delicate slice, of exquisitely mattering in this ever cycling universe?"

My emotionally afire nightmare, is "set" in a futuristic dystopian society,  and I am "inside" another person/thing. Many things are unfolded to me, throughout the story of what is my dream/nightmare, and initially, all I'm really dealing with, in a lonely and quiet manner, is having a anuretic protozoa like animal apart of my physical make up. I cannot see the creatures futuristic symbiotic DNA, woven through me, but I can feel 'It's' near-fatal wounds all over.. 'It's/My' body, lying in a bed, in a medical facility where there were only stories of help coming that I understood, from my/It's own thought processes. 'It'/I was in a room, seemingly waiting to see a professional, terrified that my life was was soon ending.

What I was actually dealing with, in my real life, at that time,  was that I had just had, a call from the four corners, that my time was UP!!!
I had been going pretty steadily for about a year, using illegal substances, where after using and drinking more and more as time went by, I had a serious condition occur, when my body actually burst open with abscesses for no other reason except my body was SEPTIC. That was in retrospect, my own diagnoses of what happened, where I figured that I had to of been highly toxic, to of burst out in abscesses like I did. 

 I knew if I continued to use, I would die. It was something I just felt inside me. My Mom also saw the state I was in, making a similarly darkened opinion of my physical girth and how much time left I had here on earth. I was just as lost as I had been since I was a kid, and this time using, although the run benefited me with a lot of research time and opportunities to publish, I wasn't emotionally re-organized at all,  like I had decided is what I'm trying to do, in this world. In order for me to stop using, I was hoping to somehow be smartly regrouped, in a way where my senses weren't always backwards and always uncommon sense for me. Although I wasn't that, I was aware that It was time to stop. I had been waiting to get to here for quite awhile, and was very grateful that the time to get clean, was there..